


Superhero

by Thatmalu



Category: IT (1990), IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Anxiety, Awkward Flirting, But still has issues, Closeted Character, Confessions, Conversion Therapy Lite, Crying, Depression, Eddie Kaspbrak Has a Bad Time, Eddie Kaspbrak Has a Crush, Eddie Kaspbrak Loves Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak Needs A Hug, Eddie Kaspbrak Whump, Eddie Kaspbrak is a Mess, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Exhaustion, First Kiss, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Happy Ending, Henry Bowers is Not That Bad, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, Isolation, Jesus camp au, M/M, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, Pining, Public Humiliation, Purging, Religion, Religious Guilt, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Harm, Skinny Dipping, Sonia Kaspbrak's A+ Parenting, Suicidal Thoughts, Teenage Eddie Kaspbrak, Underage Drinking, Vomiting, shaming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-15 21:20:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29814546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatmalu/pseuds/Thatmalu
Summary: Saying goodbye to them physically hurt, right in his chest. Especially when Richie’s hug seemed to linger a bit around Eddie’s waist.“Don’t let that crap get to you when you’re over there,” Richie whispered, gently tucking his chin into Eddie’s shoulder. “You’ll be back home soon.”“Thuh-thanks, Rich.”**********A pretty damn sad self-projected Jesus Camp AU
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak & Henry Bowers, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 4
Kudos: 35





	Superhero

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, it’s a Jesus Camp AU. It’s not anything explicit but please heed tags because it’s emotionally exhausting. 
> 
> This is pretty much a very condensed version of one of my worst summers as a Christian youth, that I’ve sandwiched between two very nice reddie moments. Henry is somewhat based on a real person (minus the dad murder, I hope), and the only other main difference is I wasn’t reading a comic book IRL, it was Harry Potter. 
> 
> Anyway, tags serve as tw/cw, and thankfully Eddie gets a happy ending I had to wait quite too many years for ❤️

_“Jesus Camp?”_ Richie sneered, peering over the top of his Captain America comic. 

“Say what you will about the Jews,” Stanley muttered. “But I have never heard of Moses Camp.”

“Stanley, I don’t think sending Jews to a camp would be of good taste for anyone.”

Stanley opened his mouth to retort, but stopped to nod solemnly. “Touche.” 

“I don’t need to hear it from you two,” Eddie sighed, shoving the last of his toiletries into his overnight bag. “I asked you to see me off, not rub this shit in my face.”

“I’m surprised your mom let us over, to be quite honest,” Stanley said. He sat on the edge of Eddie’s bed in quite a proper, dignified manner beside Richie, who already had his legs sprawled out in front of him with his shoes still on.

“She didn’t,” Eddie told him. “So be careful on your way out the window.”

“Are you fucking kidding?” Stanley groaned, looking over at the window with apprehension.

“Relax, Stanley, I’ll make sure that sexy tush shimmies down the drainpipe safely,” Richie grinned up at him. 

Eddie knew Richie was just joking, but he still felt his cheeks turn crimson as he zipped up his bag, avoiding eye contact at all costs. Those were not thoughts he was trying to have before he spent two months surrounded by clergy and camp counselors.

“What kind of stuff did you guys do at camp?” Eddie asked absently. 

“Well, mine was Mathcamp,” Stan sighed. “I doubt it’ll be much similar.”

“Bogus,” Richie scoffed. “Camp was a blast for me. Nothing but sexy ladies skinny dipping—”

“They did not go fucking skinny dipping, Trashmouth.”

“Fine, bikinis then. Sexy little camp counselors in their short-shorts. Speaking of,” he paused to give Eddie a wink, sending his blush all the way down to his chest. “Make sure you pack plenty of those little red shorts, Spaghetti Man.”

“Enough with you,” Eddie mumbled. “Forget I asked.”

“Honestly, you’ll probably do Bible trivia and shit. We had games all the time. Maybe you’ll sing Kumbaya by the campfire.”

“Sounds like a blast.”

It probably wouldn’t be so bad. Eddie would be surrounded by kids his age, other fifteen-year-olds like himself, plus other teens in high school. Not _all_ of them could possibly be so intensely… _Christian._ Maybe he’d find some other kids who were forced to go like he was, kids who had no interest in spending their summer with daily Bible study.

Being away from his friends for the entire summer would be such a blow for him. When Richie went away to camp, they were ten, and Bill and Stanley were still around to keep Eddie company. This time, he was the one leaving and he was nowhere near as extroverted as Richie, not remotely close to as outgoing, and he was anticipating a summer of loneliness. Saying goodbye to them physically hurt, right in his chest. Especially when Richie’s hug seemed to linger a bit around Eddie’s waist.

“Don’t let that crap get to you when you’re over there,” Richie whispered, gently tucking his chin into Eddie’s shoulder. “You’ll be back home soon.”

“Thuh-thanks, Rich.” 

Eddie didn’t want to let go, but Richie eventually had to go before Sonia came stomping up the stairs. When he pulled away, he held out his comic book for Eddie. 

“Here. I thought you’d like this.”

Eddie looked down at the colorful cover, featuring Captain America fighting against some large, green creature shooting out a purple gas cloud. _Captain America Meets the Asthma Monster!_

“What the hell is this?”

“Captain America fighting asthma!” Richie beamed. “I thought you’d appreciate it, since you fight it every day. You’re my little superhero,” he said, ruffling Eddie’s hair and pinching his cheek.

“Cut it out,” Eddie giggled, gently pushing Richie away. “You’re so fucking stupid.”

“Only stupid for you, Eddie my love,” Richie winked, blowing Eddie a kiss before throwing his legs out of Eddie’s window to follow Stan outside. “I’ll see you soon, Super Spaghetti Man.”

“Yeah, see ya,” Eddie whispered, biting his bottom lip and clutching the comic book in his hands. He carefully slid it into the side pocket of his duffle bag before zipping it up. He tried not to think of the way Richie looked like he didn’t want to leave or the faint blush in his cheeks before disappearing out of Eddie’s window.

The ride was just a little longer than the trip to visit his aunt’s, so Eddie already had a mental routine prepared. He didn’t mind car rides when he could drown his mother out with his thoughts. He was happy he always had the ability to picture things so clearly in his head, sometimes even able to think out entire movies he’d watched dozens of times with Richie or Bill. 

His hands moved absently as they neared his destination, hours from home. He reached down to open the duffle bag to pull out the comic book Richie had lent him, hoping it would kill the rest of the time before he got to this Camp — something. Eddie couldn’t quite pronounce the long, proper name of it, so he was just referring to it as Camp Camel Koala. The roads and cabins making up the place were all Biblical, but he couldn’t remember half of those either.

Eddie was pulled from his thoughts before he could even read a damn word of the comic book that was roughly ripped from his hands. The car had stopped and he looked up at his mother and didn’t even blink before she whacked him in the face with it. It wasn’t particularly hard, but the look in her eyes terrified him.

_“Ma—”_

“Why are you bringing this filth with you to camp, Eddie?” Sonia shouted, immediately tearing the comic book to pieces, ripping bits of Eddie’s heart with each of the paper shreds.

“Mom, stop!” Eddie cried, attempted to pull it back from her, only to be pushed back in his seat. “Mommy, that’s not mine!”

“Whose is it, then? Richie’s?” she sneered cruelly. “That boy does nothing but fill your head with garbage, Eddie. You don’t need to be reading more of it.”

“It’s just a book! I wasn’t—”

“It’s not just a book, Eddie!” she hissed, fisting the remains of the comic in her hand. “Do you know how dangerous books can be? This is exactly why you need this camp. We went too long away from the church and now your mind is being tainted with this — what, witchcraft—”

“It’s not witchcraft, he’s a Super Soldier!” Eddie shut his mouth the second he saw the look on his mother’s face for talking back to her. “Mommy, I promise I won’t read it, just let me give it back to Richie!”

“You’ll throw it out the second you get to the camp. They’re not going to catch you reading this. Is that clear?”

Eddie nodded gravely, tentatively picking up the pieces of comic all over the front of the car. He held back tears, which was making him feel ridiculous. Crying over a comic book. But it wasn’t just _Richie’s,_ it was a _gift,_ one that Richie specifically gave to Eddie thoughtfully. Something to make Eddie feel like a superhero. 

But Eddie was probably thinking too much into it, all out of hope.

As nasty as she had been in the car, Sonia was all affection when it came time to drop Eddie off. It was embarrassing, making Eddie feel like a tiny child as his mother wailed and squeezed him tight and squished his face all while other teenagers stared at him. Once she left, it was a strange mixture of relief and discomfort. He had no idea what the fuck he was supposed to do, dragging his luggage close behind him.

“Eddie?” a young man asked him.

“Yes, sir,” Eddie replied politely.

“Great to meet ya, Eddie! I’m Pastor James, but you can call me PJ.”

 _Oh, god,_ Eddie thought. _He’s trying to be hip._ “Nice to meet you, PJ.”

“You’ll be in my group, Team EPIC! Sound good?”

“Team… EPIC?”

“Everything Possible In Christ,” PJ smiled brightly.

Eddie choked down a laugh, trying to play it off as a cough. _Richie would have a fucking field day._ “Great.”

“We’ll be pairing you up with a Bible Study partner, so socialize a bit and find your buddy! At two we’ll be getting everyone over to the cabins.”

“Sure thing…”

Eddie looked around a bit frantically, his heart starting to pound heavily in his chest. How is he expected to just _talk_ to people? This is ridiculous. Can’t they just pull names out of a hat? With Eddie’s luck, he’ll be picked last, just like he usually is for everything else. The only exceptions were when his other friends were chosen as team captains; they’d usually pick him first on principle.

Some of the other kids looked like they knew each other already, either from school, church, or maybe even the summer before. Eddie wandered around alone, biting his lip too hard, balancing his duffle bag and his overly large suitcase as he searched through the crowd. At a certain point, he figured he’d just give up and wait until there was only one kid left. Turns out, he didn’t have to.

Sitting by himself in the corner was a large and familiar teen whom Eddie had not expected to ever run into. He froze and stared in disbelief at the stocky and brooding Henry Bowers, sitting on a table top with his arms hugging his knees, staring down at the floor with his own suitcase at his side. No one was talking to him. Henry probably had no interest in talking to anyone else. Eddie was surprised that Henry was not outright bullying anyone right here and now.

Instead, he sat quietly, almost looking forlorn and as lost as Eddie. Eddie felt his ears pop as he swallowed his spit, taking a deep breath before slowly making his way over to the childhood bully he had not seen since Henry was moved to Portland two years ago.

“Uh. Huh-hey, Henry.”

The larger boy looked up with a blank expression which quickly turned into bewilderment and confusion. He didn’t say anything at first, simply staring back at Eddie with his mouth hanging open slightly.

“I, uh, I know this is a little weird, but I don’t know anyone else here. You don’t look like you do, either. I thought maybe we could be, uh. Partners. For the Bible Study thing. If you want.”

Eddie wasn’t sure where this bravery came from, but there was pity and empathy glowing in his heart at the awestruck face of Henry Bowers. He finally closed his mouth and nodded slowly.

“Yeah, that’s — that’s fine. I can’t exactly say I’m thrilled about anyone here, anyway.”

Eddie felt a smile tug on his lips, a pretty genuine one at that, as he considered the look of gratitude on Henry’s face. However, he wasn’t expecting his partner to end up being his bunkmate for the summer, his panic returning once they were brought to their shared cabin space with the other fifteen-seventeen year olds. Team Fucking EPIC.

“How’s, uh, Portland?” Eddie asked Henry as he carefully took out his folded polos.

“Sucks ass,” Henry grunted. “I live with a ninety-three-year-old woman who sent me to a place like this. Although I’m sure you know what that’s like.”

Eddie pursed his lips, remembering that Henry was sent off to live with his grandmother after his father, Butch, was murdered. Eddie had heard the other rumors about Henry’s father, the kind of abuse Henry went through. It never made the bullying any easier to deal with, but at least there was something for Henry to _heal_ from, as Beverly had kindly pointed out. Not like someone like Patrick, a complete psychopath.

“Holy shit.”

Eddie snapped his head up to see Henry pulling out the bits of the comic book that was hanging out of his bag. He kept still as he watched Henry put them down on their shared nightstand.

“Why’d you demolish it like this?”

“I didn’t,” Eddie explained. “My mom did.”

“Fucking cunt,” Henry muttered, suddenly turning to leave. Eddie sat there confused for a good minute or so until Henry came back with some sort of craft box he threw onto the bottom bunk bed. “There’s gotta be tape or some shit in here…”

Eddie continued to watch Henry tape the comic book back together, albeit a little poorly. It was still a kind gesture and Eddie couldn’t help but feel a warmness towards Henry at this moment. Once the book was back to being comprehensible, Henry shoved the craft box off the bed and flopped down against the pillow, opening the book to read. 

Eddie stood up, making his way over to anticipate Henry’s reaction to him coming close to his bed. To his surprise, Henry actually scooted over, leaving room for Eddie to lay down beside him and read over his shoulder. They sat like this in silence, much like Eddie would do with Richie in his room (except with Richie it wasn’t very silent). Henry was a much slower reader, so Eddie waited patiently for Henry to turn the pages to continue reading.

“Who’s your favorite?”

Eddie blinked and tried to process such a casual question. “Uh, Spider-Man, I think.”

“Everyone likes Spider-Man.”

“Who do you like, then?”

“Punisher.”

“Isn’t he kind of a bad guy?”

Henry rolled his eyes, flipping to the next page. “Depends on your perspective.”

“That sounds like something a villain would say.”

“He’s an _antihero,_ it’s completely different,” Henry scoffed. “He punishes for a reason.”

Somehow, Eddie got completely lost in conversation with the last person he ever expected. By almost dinner time, he found himself making Henry laugh at something he had said, forcing him once again to be baffled. 

Where the hell was _this_ guy in Derry?

PJ came back into the doorway, that sickeningly cheerful smile on his face as he walked in and bellowed, “Time to head down for dinner, guys!” The smile on his face faltered as he looked down at Eddie and Henry on the bed. “Whatcha guys doing?”

“Just reading,” Eddie told him, carefully shimmying off of the bed to distance himself from Henry. He did not like the look on PJ’s face.

“It’s after sunset, guys,” PJ said solemnly, pursing his lips. “It’s now the Lord’s night. We can’t be reading any material that doesn’t do justice in worshiping Christ. How about we put that thing away?”

“When can I finish reading it?” Henry asked, an eyebrow cocked.

“Well, if you want to read it in your free time, just do it after the Sabbath is over. Tomorrow at sundown again,” PJ said, tapping his watch, though still looking incredibly uncomfortable between the two of them. “If you wanna read about real superheroes, you always have your Bible study time!”

“What is this bullshit?” Henry muttered quietly to Eddie as they made their way over to the cafe, kicking rocks in frustration as they walked. “Some kind of twenty-four hour Jesus lockdown?”

“It’s some weird thing they do,” Eddie said, trying to keep his voice down. “My mom is usually only strict about it during the holidays or when we’re with family. I think she kind of forgets because she likes to watch shows on Saturday.”

“Forgets or has selective morals?”

“Probably both,” Eddie admitted ruefully.

There wasn’t any meat, which didn’t surprise Eddie, because this was one thing his mother did make sure to follow at home. This strange, super healthy, soy-based diet of foods that were getting too cold because they had to be cooked prior to the sunset. That was the big thing about these twenty-four hours: no work, no play; only Jesus.

“Except it’s going to be two months,” Henry reminded him with a mouth full of soy-balls. “Not just this Sabbath crap. This whole camp is catered to Jesus shit.”

“Careful where you say that,” Eddie muttered. “But, we’re going to do obstacle courses and trivia nights and stuff. It might be kind of fun. Or not,” he chuckled at the incredulous look Henry was giving him.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. Henry wasn’t exactly farting rainbows and sunshine, but he wasn’t particularly unpleasant. He groaned at the morning worship while Eddie tried to sing hymns, and spent most of their Saturday afternoon staring at a group of girls sitting by the lake while Eddie read the same Bible verse twenty times without taking in a single word.

“How are we supposed to pick our favorite?” Eddie sighed, flipping through his baby blue Precious Memories Bible. “They’re all boring.”

“Oh, I have one.”

Henry skimmed through his own Bible, a simple King James that he had to borrow from staff. He snickered as he turned it around, his thumb pointing to a particular text that Eddie was positive he’d never read in Sabbath School.

“Uh…”

“Yeah. Donkey dicks. The Bible talks about fucking donkey dicks,” Henry laughed, shaking his head. “I’m going to pick this one.”

“Don’t do that!” Eddie squealed, unable to stop himself from grinning. “We’re going to get, like, punished or something.”

“What could they possibly do?”

The weekend went by too quickly. That wasn’t something Eddie thought he’d ever think, but it was true. He had been enjoying his time with Henry, talking about their interests, which had been extremely similar. They always had been, Eddie supposed, but it’s hard to gauge such a thing when one of the people refuses normal conversation and instead breaks your arm on the sidewalk. 

But they were much younger then. Henry was a troubled kid from a troubled home. Maybe he just needed to get away from it all. Because Eddie was now having quite a nice time.

Until Monday came.

The teens were separated into groups of five and Eddie was glad that Henry had been placed in his. One of the counselors cryptically explained that the groups were based on their sign up sheets for camp. It started out with simple obstacles, running through tires, wall climbing, most things Eddie was quite terrible at. Henry laughed at him for tripping over himself, but not in the usual cruel way Eddie was used to growing up. Eddie got to laugh right back in his face when his huge ass flopped over the climbing wall and scuffed up his knees. It was just supposed to be fun, and it sort of was. At first.

“All right, guys!” their counselor — Linda — shouted over their heads. “You guys are gonna do a drinking contest now!”

“God, I hope it’s tequila,” Henry panted, wiping sweat off his brow.

“Surely they won’t let a seventeen-year-old drink alcohol,” Eddie mumbled. “They can’t mean anything but water.”

It was bizarre, to say the least. Five large bowls of fruit punch were uncovered, and Linda gestured for them all to stand by one.

“Each one has just the little straw,” she winked. “I want you all to think about your biggest sins — all the ones that stick with you, the ones you struggle with the most. Think of them with all your might. Now, on the count of ten, you guys gotta drink it as fast as you can! Whoever finishes first will win!”

 _What the fuck?_ Eddie thought to himself. He was already winded, his stomach cramping from all the physical activity. He needed _water,_ not this sugary concoction, and certainly not so _much_ of it. There was no time at all before Linda blew her whistle and Eddie clutched the front of his shirt before he started sucking in as much juice as possible.

Not even a minute in, Eddie has to take a break. A whistle blew and Linda pointed and snapped at him and he felt a surge of panic. He felt an urgency to keep going, his stomach churning, suddenly terrified of what would happen if he did stop.

The whistle blew to signal them to stop and Eddie practically threw himself back, landing right on his ass. His skin felt flushed, a familiar wave of nausea overcoming him. The others, too, were staggering around awkwardly until one of the other boys knelt over by a tree and started vomiting. The sound was enough for the bubbly sensation in Eddie’s tight, full tummy to fight it’s way up to his throat and he had to quickly roll over to relieve his stomach onto the grass. 

With his nostrils and throat burning, bile still dripping from his bottom lip, Eddie tried to catch his breath as Linda’s voice broke over them all.

“Keep thinking of your sins! Remove the toxic thoughts from your pure bodies and minds! Imagine them being purged from you!”

_What. The. Fuck._

Eddie looked up to see Henry, green in the face and wiping his own mouth of sick. He looked up at Linda with a cold, angry expression Eddie felt resonate in his own soul. 

“Congratulations to Anthony for first place!” Linda grinned cheerfully from Anthony’s empty bowl as he continued to hurl his stomach contents into the grass.

Things did not get better.

Eddie knew why he was put in his group. He could guess why others were put into theirs. Things became more obvious the more _tests_ they went through. The more they purged, both literally and figuratively. Once a week, they’d have one-on-one time with their group pastor. Several times a week, they all sat in the auditorium and listened to pastors and guest speakers from all over preach to them and lecture them, pulling some of the kids on stage during their sermons. Most would cry, standing up there begging God for forgiveness. Eddie might’ve thrown up more times from anxiety than he did from their _games._

Even Henry got quiet. PJ would do checks to make sure they went to bed on time and stopped sharing the bed, even for their leisure. Eddie wondered why Henry wasn’t fighting back, until he was called on stage one night at random and the tears began.

It was unnerving. Eddie physically shook head to toe watching Henry sob, furiously wiping the tears from his reddened cheeks. Eddie kept his eyes locked on his childhood bully, standing under the burning stage lights and begging God to take his thoughts away while the guest pastor continued to shout and damn all of Henry’s sinful thoughts, shaming him for them in front of everyone. All Eddie could think was _what thoughts are more painful than my fear of what they’ll do to me here?_

The individual sessions with PJ weren’t much better. He’d talk to Eddie softly, put his hand on Eddie’s thigh while Eddie silently cried in his office. He told Eddie that they would help him purge his thoughts once he felt the Holy Spirit fill him with the bravery to finally go up on stage. 

Eddie didn’t need to purge his thoughts; he needed to keep them _locked away._ Where him and these people would never find them.

Eddie’s shorts started to sag around his waist. The food wasn’t helping when he was throwing it up half the time or wasting his calorie energy by crying himself to sleep every night, filled with the brim with shame. He never thought he was a bad person before. Sometimes he’d feel dirty and sick, but never a bad person. 

Apparently he was wrong.

The only way Eddie was sure he got out of solitary public humiliation was due to his sickness. He’d often tell the counselors he wasn’t feeling well once _those_ things started. Sometimes they’d tell him it was _good;_ he was _healing._ It wasn’t supposed to be easy, they said. But Eddie had never been so thankful for his mother’s urgent need to protect him before, as PJ eventually explained to the counselors that Eddie’s body was… delicate.

“One day, we will all lift you up in prayer, Eddie,” PJ assured him one night, as if it were comforting. To them, it probably was.

All Eddie felt was fear. So much fear, that he’d hide in the bathroom, squeezing his arms tightly to his chest, digging his nails deep into his wrists until they bled. 

Some days he thought about running away. He didn’t have a clue where he would go. Some days, he wondered how easy it would be to steal the sash from the cross on stage, wrap it around his neck and just jump somewhere. Eddie became certain at many points that the only reason suicide could never be an option was his fear of ending up exactly where the counselors warned him he might go. He doesn’t think he has the strength to deal with this for eternity. 

After Henry had his moment in the inevitable spotlight, he seemed to calm down a bit. He didn’t seem as much as a wreck anymore, certainly not as bad as Eddie. But he wasn’t his normal self, either. Eddie wondered what kind of individual _therapies_ he got from PJ. Whatever they were, maybe they were starting to work. Sometimes, when it was quiet and it was just the two of them, Henry would whisper up to the top bunk where Eddie was having trouble sleeping.

He’d never ask how Eddie was. There was no need to; Eddie knew Henry could hear him crying. But he’d ask him about cars, which always made Eddie smile, because it was something he knew and loved sharing with someone. Sometimes Eddie would ask Henry about music and make mental notes of what to look for in the record store when he got back; albums to hide at Richie’s house. They’d talk about superheroes, just like the first day they were here.

Except Eddie felt less like a superhero with every painful day. He kept his comic book under his pillow, trying to think of Richie back home. But then his thoughts were cut through sharply with harsh words from his _worship_ , reminders that he wasn’t really worth anything unless he accepted God the right way. 

For the first time in his life, Eddie started to reach a hollowness beyond any sadness he had ever felt. It truly felt empty. The few times he could feel _something_ was either under the direct attention of a counselor, forcing Eddie to play a game, or forcing Eddie to run until he exhausted the sin out of himself, or worse still, when he forced himself to feel something. Feeling his skin tear beneath his nails brought a strange rush and exhilaration out of him when he was otherwise desolate.

A small part of him wanted to steal someone’s razor and cut deeper somewhere, but the fear of blood-borne illnesses and AIDS rang loud. So he just dug in harder with his fingers or bit down somewhere that no one would be looking until he bruised himself. Not like many of them would notice the self-inflicted ones along with the ones he got from their _games._

Besides, maybe he deserved the pain. If Jesus could take thirty-nine lashings, Eddie could take a few marks on his wrists and thighs. Just enough for no one to really notice.

On an odd Wednesday morning, Eddie sauntered over to his and Henry’s usual table to see another pair sitting in front of him. Eddie recognized them from Henry constantly staring at one of them in particular, Bea. The other, Myra, always waved at Eddie and giggled. It made him uncomfortable, especially after one of the other pastors had remarked what cute babies they would have. In a strange way, it had felt like a violation of his body and privacy. He didn’t want adults thinking of them like that.

“Hey, Eddie,” Henry said, nudging Eddie with his elbow. “The girls wanna go swimming later. You in?”

“Swimming? We don’t go to the lake until tomorrow.”

“After hours,” Bea winked. “Anthony Lowe is gonna sneak away some of the communion wine and we’re gonna head over to the lake at midnight. We found out how to sneak in last summer.”

Eddie was already terrified of this place. He didn’t want to give the counselors here more reasons to hate him and make him feel like he should hate himself. But Henry, somehow, was the only person he could trust, and maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to hang out with the other kids. They were all going through the same things, after all. He shouldn’t hesitate to spend time with them in the safety of privacy from the counselors.

So when it was nearing midnight, Henry and Eddie put on their swim trunks and snuck down to the lake to meet with everyone. Eddie felt a little light-headed with excitement when they approached, anticipating his first interaction in a group that would end up in anyone crying or getting sick. Several other boys and girls around their age were passing around a bottle by the time Eddie and Henry arrived.

Eddie wasn’t a drinker. Eddie would always chastise Richie or Bill for suggesting it. But Eddie didn’t have Sonia to go home to. Maybe only a hangover to deal with in the morning. At this point, would the counselors be able to tell the difference?

The light-headed feeling only got worse, but soon Eddie found himself giggling next to Henry with their feet dangling over the dock and grazing the water, talking to Myra and Bea where they were bobbing up and down in the lake. They swam away to go play chicken with some of the other kids, Myra looking back over her shoulder and smirking at Eddie.

But Eddie, he couldn’t help but lean his weight into Henry’s side. He was sturdy, probably twice the size of Eddie, at least. For some reason, Eddie just wanted to touch him and be close. It was comforting to have someone here, as strange as it still was who he was keeping company with. Eddie tilted his head up at the boy who had once terrorized him, now arching his neck back to look up at the stars with a serene expression. His face was much softer than Eddie could remember. He wondered what it would look like glistening.

“You wanna go swimming?” Eddie asked him, squishing his cheek on Henry’s shoulder. 

Without a word, Henry pushed himself forward and threw himself into the water, causing Eddie to fall over onto the dock. When he came back up to the surface, shaking his wet head around, he immediately went to grab for Eddie’s ankles and yank him in.

“Hey, wait!” Eddie laughed. “Gimme a second!”

“Stop being a pussy, Kaspbrak!”

Henry reached up to pull Eddie down by his shorts, his strength outmatching Eddie’s and forcing him to follow Henry down into the darkness. Eddie’s swim trunks had loosened up on his thinning waist and they came straight off when Eddie fell into the cold lake. Instead of letting Eddie correct the situation, Henry just kept laughing, yanking it off of Eddie’s ankles and tossing the heavy swimsuit over to the group.

“Ew, whose are these?” Bea screeched, throwing them off of her shoulder.

“I don’t know, but that looks like a good idea,” one of the other boys grinned, shimmying out of his own pants beneath the water and tossing them off somewhere.

While Eddie shivered in his nakedness, the others eventually followed suit, swim bottoms and bikini tops flying everywhere. The rest of them giggled and splashed and wrestled around, but Eddie just watched on and tread water. Even with everyone else around and the knowledge that girls were here, Eddie couldn’t take his eyes off of Henry’s face. The alcohol was relaxing him so much that he didn’t even try to look away when Henry looked back at him; he just kept smiling.

“Why are you still being so damn antisocial?” Henry huffed with a smirk, swimming over and pulling Eddie over with him around the waist.

The others had started to play some sort of naked Marco Polo. But Eddie just wrapped his arm around Henry and kept staring up at him. He just couldn’t stop focusing on how the moonlight reflected in the water droplets on his face. He didn’t pull away when Henry stopped. He only clung on tighter and rested his head back on Henry’s shoulder, looking up at him with a dopey smile. Henry wasn’t pulling away either.

“What are you doing?” Henry laughed awkwardly, craning his head back from Eddie’s, but still letting his hand linger on Eddie’s waist.

Eddie just blinked, smiling brightly at him. “Nothing, just…”

He shifted just ever so slightly, endangering the fronts of their bodies from aligning just enough for Henry to react. Before Eddie realized what was happening, Henry’s palm collided with his face, forcing water up his nostrils and making Eddie reel back from the sting along the bridge of his nose where Henry just smacked him. Over Henry’s shoulder, Eddie could see Myra close by, watching them intently.

“Get the fuck off of me you little queer!” Henry hissed, jabbing his finger at Eddie’s face as he cupped it in his hands. “Do not fucking touch me or even look at me like that!”

Whatever effects the alcohol had were completely knocked out of him from Henry hitting his face. Eddie’s eyes welled up with tears, unwilling to look up at any of his peers. He couldn’t even bring himself to fetch his shorts, swimming back to roughly yank on his dry pajamas over his wet legs and run back to the cabin.

 _This is probably why these fuckers say alcohol is a sin,_ Eddie thought ruefully, sniffling into his pillowcase, already soaked from his hair he hadn’t bothered to dry. _It makes you do stupid shit like that._

If Eddie had been any braver to do anything else, he would’ve gotten a lot more than a smack. 

But he didn’t _do anything._ He was just… looking. But what was it PJ was telling them? _Sinning with your mind is still a sin in your heart._ Thinking was dangerous. Eddie had to pocket that away and let it simmer in the dark. Sobriety would put him in a better mindset. He’d be thinking clearly in the morning. Hopefully, Henry had drunk enough wine that he would forget.

Eddie had never been that lucky, though.

Henry hadn’t said a word to him the entire next day. The only interaction they had was a look of contempt after Henry had left PJ’s office after their one-on-one study. The look on PJ’s face after Henry left put a queasy feeling in the pit of Eddie’s stomach, tightening up so much he refused to go to his session.

He just had to get through a few more days. Then he’d be home. At least the pain in his home was familiar.

It came to no surprise that Eddie sat alone in the auditorium. The others had gotten there and moved Eddie’s things over to an empty seat, far away from them all. Two smaller kids sat near him, but the others in his age group were avoiding him almost completely. Only Myra still would look over at him, but her face was nothing but disgust. She had probably seen the entire scene in the lake.

He tried to ignore the sermon. He tried to ignore the echoing cries and bellows coming from the loudspeakers, the cheers and _amens_ from the crowd. His body shook as he shivered, freezing despite the summer air and body heat filling up the space around him. His eyes fixated on a spot in front of him, the back of someone else’s chair. He let out a yelp and stood up to his feet when his own seat was thrust forward from someone’s foot kicking the back of it.

All heads turned to face him as he stood up. Eddie’s skin became clammy, twisting around to see the sneering face of the Anthony boy looking back up at him. 

“Don’t be shy, boy!” the pastor shouted from the stage. “The Lord has given you the strength to stand! Come, rejoice in his presence with us!”

Eddie’s heart pounded erratically, his legs wobbling like jelly. He didn’t volunteer for this. He didn’t want this. He wanted to go home. He wanted to fucking _die._

The small crowd of his peers started jeering and shouting his name, mock encouragement to send him up to the stage. Eddie balled his fists up at his sides and vibrated the entire way up into the spotlight with their new guest pastor. For a brief moment, he had even caught Henry’s eyes; they seemed like the only ones not taunting him. Henry looked away.

“What’s your name, son?”

A microphone was thrust into Eddie’s hands; they were slick with sweat. “Eh-Eddie.”

“Eddie,” the pastor said, gripping Eddie’s shoulder so tight it ached, lifting his face up to the ceiling with his eyes closed as if accepting some gospel or message from Jesus right then and there. “Eddie, Jesus is calling your name. He says you are not yet baptized, is that right?”

Eddie gulped, hearing it audibly echo back at him through the speakers. “Nuh-no. I — I’ve never been… My… my dad wanted me to choose. He didn’t want to make me.”

“Your dad?” the pastor shouted, his eyes now bulging as he stared at Eddie incredulously, as if this were the most ludicrous thing he had ever heard. “Do you want to listen to your _dad,_ Eddie? Or do you listen to the _Holy **Father** , Christ Above?”_

The auditorium rang with another chorus of _amens._ Eddie felt like he was going to throw up.

“I don’t… I don’t know.”

He let out a small yip when the pastor shook him roughly, raising his other hand up to the ceiling in some sort of accepting gesture. “The Holy Father wants you, Eddie! He wants to purge you of your sins! All the pain and anguish you feel is because of all those feelings deep inside you! They are from Satan putting thoughts in your head!” He brought his hand down, spreading it out across Eddie’s chest, as if he would yank the feelings straight from Eddie right then and there. “Do you feel them, Eddie? All that darkness in your heart? All the impurities of your very _soul!_ You can be _saved,_ if you only accept Christ now! Do you accept Jesus Christ our Lord, Eddie?”

“Yes,” Eddie squeaked, feeling his eyes welling up again, tears immediately spilling down his cheek.

“Do you want to be saved from an eternity of damnation and outcast, Eddie?”

“Yes,” Eddie cried again into the microphone. He wasn’t sure how he was able to hang on to it still.

“Do you want to cast out these sins of the flesh?” the pastor shouted, pressing his fingertips roughly into Eddie’s chest. “Do you want to banish these unclean thoughts and wash away the darkness of the queer-loving devil?!”

“Yes,” Eddie sobbed, feeling it from deep within him as he let himself acknowledge it directly for the first time, feeling all the shame as every eye in the auditorium looked on at him on the stage. He shook and sobbed out every ounce of liquid left in his tiny, tired body as he did exactly as Henry had done many weeks ago. He cried out his sins and impure thoughts and begged God for forgiveness in front of every soul here. The pastor took him into a tight, uncomfortable, sweaty embrace before he called out others to join the group baptism.

The water didn’t wash away his guilt. Eddie took a deep breath before his head was dunked back into that lake, and he must’ve breathed all of his sin right back into his lungs. Because when he came to, gasping for air as he breached the surface again, ears ringing with uproarious applause, he felt no better. If anything, he felt worse. The water had been blessed with the Holy Spirit, but if God was anywhere near that lake, he had abandoned it the second Eddie stepped foot.

Eddie did not say goodbye to anyone. He got up early enough to pack his things and head out the door to meet his mother at the Welcome Center. He felt hollow, absent of any relief when she squeezed him tightly and cried into his hair and whisked him away to her car. 

In the corner of his eye, Eddie swore he saw Henry sitting all alone and waving goodbye to Eddie as he left. Eddie couldn’t hate him. He was probably here for the same exact reason Eddie was. While some of the kids had been sent here with tales of drugs and promiscuity and thieving, Eddie knew he and Henry always ended up in the same groups for a reason. Eddie had hid his guilt in tears; Henry hid his in rage. 

Henry wasn’t a villain. Eddie knew that, deep down. He was just as lost as Eddie. Maybe even more so.

Nothing had changed. The only difference between now and the beginning of the summer was that Eddie knew. He knew he was damned and had no reason to accept himself as he was. What he was, deep down, was a filthy, disgusting, sinful thing. His mother had always suspected, he was sure of it. Her irrational behavior made far more sense than he gave her credit for. She was trying to contain that darkness inside of him.

A thin line of sunlight shone across the comforter of Eddie’s bed. He fell back against it, letting what little heat of it rest down on his tired skin. His window was open, letting a warm breeze in that fluttered against his skin. Maybe hell wouldn’t be so bad; he liked the heat, anyway.

“All tuckered out, buttercup?”

Eddie’s eyes shot open, twisting around in his bed to see the top half of Richie’s body already sticking through his window. He fell gracelessly to the floor, all clumsy, long limbs.

“I hope your mom isn’t too tired from the drive, because I was planning to— _hng!”_

Eddie tackled Richie into a hug before he could even get up. They knelt there on their knees, Eddie clinging onto Richie like a lifesaver, burying his face in Richie’s neck and inhaling his scent. He smelled like the arcade, like Maggie’s cooking, and the resinous smell of the barrens. He seemed startled into shocked silence, but his long arms found their way around Eddie’s waist.

As Eddie took in a big breath, he felt like he brought the very sunlight into his lungs. It made him feel light and warm and he pulled away from Richie just enough to look up at his beautiful face. Eddie knew that it probably wasn’t anything remarkable. Richie’s teeth were crooked and his features hadn’t grown to his face quite yet. He was a gangly, awkward mess with lopsided coke-bottle glasses and tousled curls. But he looked down at Eddie with confusion and a slight smile on his face and Eddie didn’t think he had ever seen anything so wonderful in his life.

Damning to hell aside, Eddie took Richie’s face in his small hands. Richie blinked a few times in succession, looking at a loss of words as Eddie just observed him like this. He thought about everything Richie made him feel, all the joy that came from just — just — existing. Just loving and enjoying. Hidden behind all of Richie’s crudest jokes was a pure soul of kindness and Eddie felt more love and acceptance from that than the whole God he was supposed to worship.

All Richie did was make Eddie laugh and smile and fill his heart with giddy happiness. He only ever wanted to show Richie that much love in return. _How was that so damn wrong?_

Richie’s lips were dry and a little cracked, but Eddie’s chapstick brushed over the length of them as he pressed himself up to kiss him. Richie let out a small, startled noise of surprise, almost making Eddie want to pull away until he felt Richie lean right back into it. His arms squeezed around Eddie tighter, one of them reaching up to curl his fingers into the back of Eddie’s hair. They both seemed to breathe a simultaneous sigh of relief and bliss as they kissed with their bodies flushed together in a warm embrace.

“I don’t know what you did at camp,” Richie whispered against Eddie’s lips with a chuckle. “But can I sign up for next year?”

Eddie opened his mouth, wanting to make a joke, wanting to laugh right back with him, but only a sob came out. He found himself back in the crook of Richie’s neck, Richie holding him tightly and gently pulling Eddie down into his lap as he cradled him against his chest. He somehow managed to stay relatively silent as Eddie cried. 

“Richie,” Eddie cried softly, turning his head to rest his temple against Richie’s collar. “There’s so much _wrong_ with me.”

“That’s bullshit. I told you not to let any of that crap get to your head, Eddie. There is nothing wrong with you. You’re the best fucking person I’ve ever met.”

“I feel disgusting…”

“Because of me?”

“Wha— no. _No!”_ Eddie looked up at Richie. “It’s not you, Richie.”

“Well, it’s not you either. But I can take a wild guess at what it is.”

Eddie sniffled, feeling grosser still as he wiped his nose with his sleeve. Richie didn’t seem to mind, gently thumbing away a tear from Eddie’s cheek. 

“You know there’s nothing wrong with you Eddie, right? I mean, I know it feels like it… when the whole town looks at us like we’re a bunch of freaks. But we don’t have to keep living in places like this. One day, we’ll get out of here and find somewhere we belong.” He gave Eddie's shoulder a gentle squeeze. “I wouldn’t change a damn thing about you, Eds. I mean, you’d be easier to cuddle if you didn’t twitch so much in your sleep, but I can work around that.”

“What makes you think we’re going to start cuddling?” Eddie tried to tease, but his tone was flat. 

“Do you not want to?” Richie asked, his brow creasing with concern.

A pause. “No. I do,” Eddie said, gently fisting his fingers in Richie’s shirt. “I’m just… so scared.” He felt his eyes sting as he looked down at the crescent shaped marks still on his wrists. He didn’t have to stare at them long, because Richie’s fingers were on his chin, gently lifting Eddie’s face back up. He placed the most tender of kisses on his cheek, right against the bridge of his nose, where Henry had just hit him the other day. 

“I love you, Eddie,” Richie whispered. “Even if you don’t. Even if you’re gay and still think I’m gross and don’t want to… you know, date me like that. Even if you do, and you’re too scared to share anything. That’s ok, too. Being scared doesn’t mean you’re not brave or good. You’re still my best friend. I’ll always love you.”

“I love you too, Rich,” Eddie murmured softly.

In just a few seconds, Eddie felt more warmth and love from Richie than he had the entire summer trying to live in the acceptance of God. Hell was still waiting for him downstairs and for years to come. It wouldn’t be easy. But as he cupped Richie’s cheek and kissed him again in their gentle embrace, he felt it strengthen his very soul. He knew he could get through it with Richie right there. 

After all… Richie said Eddie was his superhero. He could do anything; all he needed was his sidekick. 

**Author's Note:**

> I didn’t name my previous religion but there are context clues. I specifically didn’t name the camp I went to for reasons, but I called it the same thing Eddie does, Camel Koala, as an inside joke between me and my camp crush. 
> 
> Thank you for reading ❤️ comment if you like, come yell at me on tumblr @ fuckbitchesgetReddie (18+) or come ask me questions. 
> 
> Hope you all are having a lovely week ❤️


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